Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
