Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
