I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
