ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
