i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
