As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
