i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Let's paint friendship bongs
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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