At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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