I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
