we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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