i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
