Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
