i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
