now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
