Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
