I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Just high enough for therapy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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