I'd wear matching sweaters with you
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
