You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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