that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
