I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
