Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
