I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
