Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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