i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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