So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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