John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
