My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
