I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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