11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
