How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
