Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
