nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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