our cab driver is having phone sex.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Randomize
