About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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