My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
