If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
