i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
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