good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
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