I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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