Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
