I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
