So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
