I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize
