Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
im holly from the hills drunk
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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