put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
