this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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