I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
This baby is an asshole
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
