i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
