He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
