So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
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Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
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