I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
