all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Randomize
