Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
