I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Randomize
