i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
