I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
