i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize