if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
it was like eating out sand paper
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
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You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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