I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
