She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
