If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Randomize
