He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
