Say something about gay babies.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
