I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
