I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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