Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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