Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
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He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
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"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
And then my night got REAL pukey
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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