he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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