Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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